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How Do I Stop People Pleasing

Understanding the patterns behind this experience

← All Questions

How Do I Stop People Pleasing

Short Answer

It feels like being trapped in a car with no brakes. You can start by take a deep breath and hold it for five seconds before exhaling slowly. focus on your breath as you feel your body relax..

What This Means

It feels like being trapped in a car with no brakes. Your heart races as you try to navigate through the crowd, your gut clenches in fear of rejection or disappointment. Every step feels heavy and tense, as if every movement could trigger another person's expectations.

Why This Happens

Your nervous system has developed this pattern as a survival mechanism. When people pleasing helps you avoid rejection or criticism, it can become an automatic response. It served to keep you safe in environments where compliance was necessary for survival.

What Can Help

  • Try right now: Take a deep breath and hold it for five seconds before exhaling slowly. Focus on your breath as you feel your body relax.
  • Suck in your belly like you're swallowing something big, then let it go with a soft 'ah'. This helps release tension in the muscles of your abdomen.
  • Stand up straight as if you have a string tied to your chest pulling you upwards. This can help open up your energy flow and reduce feelings of being trapped.
  • Tap your left foot with your right three times, then switch sides. This rhythmic action can shift your focus away from people pleasing and onto more present-moment sensations.
  • Close your eyes and visualize a peaceful place that makes you feel safe. Use all five senses to fully immerse yourself in this place.

When to Seek Support

If you find that people pleasing is causing significant distress or impacting your daily life, it might be time to seek support from trusted friends or family members who can provide a supportive environment for exploring healthier patterns of interaction. If the feelings become overwhelming and interfere with your ability to function normally, consider reaching out to a therapist who specializes in trauma-informed care.

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Research References

This content is grounded in scientific research on trauma and nervous system regulation:

  • Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
  • Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton.
  • Felitti, V. J., et al. (1998). "Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults." American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245-258. (ACE Study)
  • Levine, P. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. North Atlantic Books.

Note: This content is educational and for informational purposes. It is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health care.

Robert Greene

About the Author

Robert Greene is the author and founder of Unfiltered Wisdom, a US Navy veteran, and a trauma survivor with over 10 years of experience in nervous system regulation and somatic healing. He is certified in Yoga for Meditation from the Yogic School of Mystic Arts (Dharamsala, India, 2016) and affiliated with Holistic Veterans, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit serving veterans in Santa Cruz, California.

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