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How Do I Set Boundaries

Understanding the patterns behind this experience

← All Questions

How Do I Set Boundaries

Short Answer

Setting boundaries feels like being caught in a tight, constricting hug that squeezes your chest until it hurts. You can start by breathe deeply into your belly for 10 seconds, focusing on the sensation of air moving in and out..

What This Means

Setting boundaries feels like being caught in a tight, constricting hug that squeezes your chest until it hurts. Your heart races, your gut flips, and your jaw clenches. It's as if someone is pulling all the air out of your lungs.

Why This Happens

This pattern exists because setting boundaries is often seen as a sign of weakness or selfishness in our society. However, it serves to protect you from harm. Your nervous system is designed to fight, flight, or freeze when threatened, and saying no can be perceived as a threat.

What Can Help

  • Try right now: Breathe deeply into your belly for 10 seconds, focusing on the sensation of air moving in and out.
  • Scream quietly into a pillow to release any accumulated tension and fear.
  • Visualize a bright, warm light surrounding you, enveloping you in safety and security.
  • Use your hands to gently massage your temples and neck for 30 seconds, grounding yourself physically.
  • Write down three things that are important to you and why they matter, focusing on the emotional connection.

When to Seek Support

If you find it increasingly difficult to set boundaries or if doing so causes intense physical pain, consider reaching out to a trusted friend or loved one. If the feelings of anxiety and fear persist or become overwhelming, it may be time to seek support from a professional.

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Research References

This content is grounded in scientific research on trauma and nervous system regulation:

  • Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
  • Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton.
  • Felitti, V. J., et al. (1998). "Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults." American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245-258. (ACE Study)
  • Levine, P. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. North Atlantic Books.

Note: This content is educational and for informational purposes. It is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health care.

Robert Greene

About the Author

Robert Greene is the author and founder of Unfiltered Wisdom, a US Navy veteran, and a trauma survivor with over 10 years of experience in nervous system regulation and somatic healing. He is certified in Yoga for Meditation from the Yogic School of Mystic Arts (Dharamsala, India, 2016) and affiliated with Holistic Veterans, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit serving veterans in Santa Cruz, California.

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